Fan Recollection of 'She's Out Of My Life'
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I want to tell you that i am one of the girls that went on stage with Michael Jackson back in 1993. I will skip details like how I bought the tickets, how I went to the stadium, how the atmosphere was…that's not interesting and fades away when the real important moment comes. The moment that he reached his hand for me and I went on stage. I felt like everybody else disappeared, that me and Michael were the only persons alive, not only in that place, but on the entire Globe. I was 21 years old back then so I was no teenager with a random crush.
I was a young woman that knew exactly what she feels. And I can say that I was deeply in love with him. I loved him with such awareness and passion, I loved him so tender and pure. He was and still is in my opinion the most beautiful human being possible, on the inside and outside too. I was so deeply in love with him that I was missing him sometimes without ever meeting him in person, I was dreaming at his kiss and his touch like I have experienced them before.
But, oh…I did …I did kissed him and caressed him and hugged him so many times in my mind. I guess that's why, when I finally got to do it for real it felt so familiar. When he took my hand in his that evening on stage, all my emotions, all my trembling and my fears disappeared and all I felt was warmth and peace and calm. I felt like I finally found my place on this earth, I felt like coming home after a long long travel. I felt I belonged there, by his side, holding his hand. I never forgot not even one detail about that few minutes with him. I still feel how soft his skin was.
The moment from when he took my hand until I reached his arms, embracing what I feel it was the warmest hug in the world , seemed to me like the longest second in my life. It was like slow motion, I had time to see all his features, in the smallest details, I saw my image in the crystal clear of his eyes, I saw how he inspired and exhaled air, I saw the little drops of sweat on his forehead. My God, he was just perfect. That moment was perfect. I felt like being part of a picture, I felt I had all the time in the world to look in his eyes and discover all that's hidden there. But no, the power of his embrace kind of awaken me, I started hearing his voice as he was hugging me. He was singing in my ear but I couldn't really hear the words, I just heard his angelic voice and I remember I was very concentrated on the warmth of his breath pounding my ear and cheek. Then I pressed my cheek on his in the need of feeling his skin…and oh, it was soft and warm and his hair was caressing my face and I put my nose on his neck and I will remember all my life the way his skin smelled. It was like no other perfume or skin I ever scented after.
I spent many hours in perfume shops over the years trying to find that one fragrance but I couldn't. I guess its because its said that perfumes smell different on every man depending on his skin and body temperature. Anyway, for me, that is the smell of Heaven. After, you can imagine I watched the video tape with me on stage a thousand times and I can see that I was kinda dancing, my feet were moving and I smiled while tears were coming out from my eyes but I have to tell u honestly, that I don't recall myself moving at all.
For me that moment was still and quiet and romantic and very, very tender. I felt like we were two lovers after making love, just laying there in bed caressing each other and staring in each others eyes. I kissed Michael on the cheek and on his hand while he was caressing my face , and I kissed his neck. I totally believe that kissing a mans neck is so intimate and sexy and I was trembling and I can swear on God that he was too. And then is when I went crazy and tried to kiss him on his lips and no matter what everybody believes or not, we really kissed. I took him by surprise kissing his lips and he gentle tried to push me away at first but I caressed him and looked into his eyes between tears and he stared at me and that's when he kissed me back with so much love. Ill remember all my life that his lips were very soft but kind of cold, or maybe it seemed to me being cold in comparing with his very hot breath.
He took my lower lip in his mouth and grabbed it a little with his teeth, after he released it we stood a few seconds like that mouth to mouth and I whispered "I love you Michael" and then he put his mouth near my ear and he said: "I love you more" but he put an accent on the word YOU, like he was letting me know that he really means what he says , he really has this feeling for me, hes not just saying this like a cliché. Then he hold me very tight in his arms a few moments and I did the same, I felt like neither one of us wanted to let go. But while we were holding each other the bodyguard came and took me away. And i swear he didn't want to, he didn't called for them, he hadn't how to sign them cause his hands were busy holding me and he was looking straight into my eyes, so he couldn't wink or anything else.
I guess someone backstage saw that Michael forgot about time and this moment is taking too long and so sent the bodyguard in. I remember when the bodyguard grabbed me I tightened my arms around Michaels neck and he did the same, instead of trying to get away, he grabbed me stronger. I knew in that instant that whatever will happen from now on and whatever will people think, me and Michael had a really intimate moment there on stage, infront of thousands of people we were in love.
After I went back at my place it was crazy, everybody wanted to touch me, they were pulling me back and forth, asking me all kind of questions, almost reaping my clothes off of me, it was insane but I didn't care, I didn't pay any attention, not even to my friends. I was just looking at Michael, searching for his look and trust me, I found it. He was looking after me in the crowd while he was finishing the song and when our eyes found each other it was magic. Tears were rushing out of my eyes and his eyes were on tears too. I felt such a pain in that moment, I felt my heart was torn into little pieces like I have broken with a lover after 7 years of relationship. In fact, there were like 3 minutes in the arms of my lover. And it was painful cause I realized it was an impossible love, those 3 minutes were more intense that anything else I lived by then and after but that was all there was to this story. I know he felt it too but we were a God and a mortal human being that could never have a life together.
He finished the song called by faith "She's out of my life" in tears, he stood for a few moments on stage, with his wet eyes staring at me and then he disappeared. He came back after a few minutes and went on with the show. I stayed till the end, of course, but I couldn't enjoy the songs and the entertainment anymore. I was in pain.
In the days that followed the concert, I confided in a few friends and told them all I wrote here but nobody believed me or understood me. They thought I was making up that kiss we had, they said I was covering our faces with my hand just to create the illusion that we were kissing and that he let me only for publicity and that he probably had a signal with the bodyguards when they came to take me and that his tears at the end of the song were routine for him, he was just acting cause he is also a good actor not only a singer. They told me im imagining him looking at me from the stage back in the crowd and so on.
Well, I didn't blame them for not believing me but I stopped saying this story to anyone. When I was asked about that moments I just said it was great, I feel very lucky, he was very nice and good to me and that's all. I kept that moment for myself cause I believe that's how was meant to be, a private moment between me and him.
I loved him dearly all my life and I will love him till I will close my eyes forever. And again, let me remind you, im not telling that I love him like a memory, like an idol, like the king of pop…I love him deeply like my lover, I missed him every second of my life, I was worried for him when he was sick, I suffered for him when he was in trouble, I was jealous when he got married, I was happy when he had his kids, I smiled and I cried with him and now….now when he is gone im devastated.
I cant sleep and I cant eat, I cant stop crying, I cant stop blaming myself and everyone else for not doing something to help him. I took him for granted, I got myself to believe from that moment when we looked at each other on that stadium that he was a God and so I never got myself to write a letter or to try to get in contact with him again. And now im so sorry for that, maybe I could've done something to help him, maybe he needed to know that he is loved and not alone.
I am now 38 years old and I am married, although I never told my husband he knows I never loved him like I love Michael and I never will. He witnessed me a lot of times looking at the tape from that concert and crying. But he knows I love him too and I value our marriage and our family and he didn't even get upset when I called our son Michael.
Little Michael is now 10 years old and of course he knows he was named after the great Michael Jackson and I took care to introduce him to his work and now he loves him too. He listens to his music and he watches his videos and he always talks with a great admiration about him. I told him all about Michaels life, about what great soul he had, about his charity work, about him loving all human beings and nature and animals, about how he turned the other cheek to the people that harmed him and he never wanted revenge.I taught my son to be good and caring and loving and giving person. And I believe that would do Michael smile from up there in Heaven where he is right now.
It was not easy for me to tell you this story but there have been 16 years since I last told it and now that he is gone I felt like I needed to let it out once again.
It comforts me knowing that we had a precious moment that I cherished all my life and I know he felt the same and he kept that moment in his memory too. I loved him all my life and I always will and I believe that even for a few minutes he was in love with me too.
Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity and may God bless his gentle soul!
I love you Michael, forever
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